I am not just angry. How about confused, numb, desperate, panicked, stuck?
There’s a hole in me and my heart is bouncing around that hole, punching me in the chest, as it’s trying to gather all the shattered pieces. It takes everything out of me to still it and find myself again. Possibly, but doubtfully put the pieces back together too, over the course of next minute, hour, day, week, month, year(s)?
And not just because of you. Because I need you to tell me again. Give me that advice again, but this time walk me through how to do it, because this time it’s changing my life. I’m happy to report, though, there’s some consolation somewhere in this inside mess of emotions. Maybe every heartbreak changes my life. Maybe I had the same thoughts every time. Questions, fear that the pain will never go away, unwillingness to find happiness again even,… But I always came out the other side. I’ve been smoking my life away, you know that. Do you know why? There are so many things I want to forget, and herbs and substances help. Most of the time I successfully compartmentalize the good and the bad memories. Any other time, it’s all a blur.
There were times when I allowed myself to be vulnerable with you. When I was love sick and not knowing which direction to take, so much so that I could turn to you for help, because I could never hide the devastation my love for someone could bring me. I didn’t have to give you the details. You saw and felt my pain, and could relate. Out of everything you’ve ever said to me, there’s that one advice I will never forget.
“Don’t ever be someone’s reserve.”
You were speaking from a man’s perspective, but also because you’ve been in that position too. You told me a story once about a woman you were in love when you were young. You teared up and your chin started to quiver as the decades-long memory started to resurface.
I’m sorry, tata! I’m so, so sorry, but that’s about all I can remember about that story. Because of so much noise, I don’t remember everything.
None of this means there was coldness between us. On the contrary. If anything, you were a good man. Moreover, an innocent, shy, scared little boy, your entire life. You couldn’t brave life. You couldn’t brave the world.
And I’m my father’s daughter, after all.
…
Helena to you 